New Blog

Just in case anyone stops by here...I've been blogging at www.infertilityrevisited.blogspot.com. Please visit me there!

MIA

If you're looking for me, I've been posting over at TLOL Journals lately. You can find me under Nelly. I'd like to get back to blogging but lately it has been nice to have a little more feedback. We're back in the world of infertility and on the way to our first IUI. I need all the support I can get...

Finding each other

There's been a lot going on in my world lately. Not to sound dramatic but I feel that I've really changed in the last few weeks. Why? Hmmm....not exactly sure. I guess it has to do with a few bad situations, a couple of knock-down, drag out fights with DH, some hard realizations along with putting some things into perspective and ultimately, being able to count my blessings.

I'm not really big on writing about DH and I in detail. I don't know why this is? Maybe because there is already so much history between us (10+ years) that it would take too long and involve too much detail to give an accurate background before being able to explain any issue we may have. Does that make sense?  It probably also has a bit to do with fairness to DH and not "talking behind his back" online. I'm not sure – it just seems too hard (or wrong) to get into our personal business online.

BUT (and that is a big but), writing is how I best deal with and sort through my feelings. In fact, many times I've had to write out my feelings before I can discuss them with DH. I need time to process – I am not quick on my feet when it comes to arguing or "putting it all out there". DH on the other hand, tends to have diarrhea of the mouth and says anything and everything that he may be feeling or anything that just comes to the top of his mind, often hurting my feelings in the process. Because along with not being quick on my feet, I am also extremely sensitive. In other words, DH and I DO NOT argue productively.

Recently, we've had some heated discussions about our marriage and what needed to change and after a few rough spots, I think we both made some realizations and found out that we needed to change some behaviors. It was a productive "argument". And since then, we've both been putting a lot of effort into our perspective areas of improvement and things have been great.

While I won't get into the details of our "issues", I will say that much of it centered around change and how much is healthy. For example, there are some behaviors or lifestyle choices you had when you were twenty that are just not appropriate now in your 30s. My point, grow up! At the same time, there are certain behaviors that are totally appropriate and attributes that are still important to hang on to. DH's point, you can still have fun!

Like most things in marriage, it is a delicate balance and it is ALL about compromise. I have shifted my attitude and we're enjoying each other's company again. He has changed too and is working hard on some things (that make me so proud and have made all the difference in the world). I am cautiously optimistic, mostly because I have a bit more faith in myself then in him. BUT, I am giving him the benefit of the doubt and keeping my fingers crossed that things don't regress.

Anyway, this is a long entry with no specific details and I know that's tough. I just really needed to document this point in our marriage and how I'm really glad that we're dealing with these issues. These are the type of issues that will fester for years in a marriage and then all of a sudden, you are 50 years old, unhappy and not quite sure why. We're working through them now and I have to give the credit to DH. I am an expert at avoiding conflict while he goes face to face with it.

DH truly is my best friend, even when I can't stand him I feel that way. LOL. We came together because of friendship and love and it is so easy to get wrapped up in day-to-day life and forget that. We enjoy each other's company and there so many things we like to do together that aren't very conducive to our current lifestyle (like hopping on a plane to somewhere fun or relaxing when things get stressed). But we are really working at finding a new outlet for that aspect of our lives. And we both realize that Keegan is only little for such a short period of time, we don't want to miss a minute.

This is all about us and has nothing to do with Keegan. We just needed to "find" us again. Right now, it appears we have.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Trying to control the uncontrollable

I should write about something, anything, but I can't seem to bring myself to do it. It's not for lack of topics, because there are plenty of those. Maybe it is because there are just too many things going on.

TTC issues are ever present and swirling around in my head, clouding my vision and making it harder and harder to focus on other normal stuff. I've decided that if we don't fall pregnant this cycle then I will start temping again. Exciting, no? I agree, it is most definitely not exciting news. I truly don't even know why I'm going to temp other than to say that I'm temping. Like it is one more step I can take to TRY, ya know? As if I'm making a little check-list:

(shortened version)

Give up caffeine - check
Take prenatals - check
Exercise more - check
Have sex on key days - check
Ovulate - check
Pull my hair out - check

I'm trying to control and "fix" everything on my end that I can when in reality, I'm just trying to overcompensate for the obvious. I CANNOT fix the problem that most needs fixing. I cannot fix a morphology problem. And it makes me want to scream.

I know it can happen. We can get pregnant. All I have to do is look into my son's eyes for proof. What I don't know is how long it'll take for it to happen naturally. It could take years and that scares the hell out of me. I don't want to wait years. I just turned 30, DH is 36. Time is no longer on our side.

At the same time, I think it would take nothing BUT time for DH to consider IUI. It took him 18 longs months last time to agree. This time, everything is different because we have Keegan. He tells me that he knows it'll happen, that we did it last time despite the odds and we'll do it again. He also says that if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen – he's happy with Keegan. I just don't know how serious he really is about that. Not 100%, I know that. He just hates the idea of IUI, he always has.

I just don't want my little boy to grow up by himself. I think being an only child is so sad. He would have to deal with so much, all by himself, someday. Like taking care of us in our old age, worrying and dealing with burying his parents by himself. Once we're gone, he'd be alone. I know it is a bit over the top to think that way but I can't help it. Plus, I just want him to have someone to grow up with, spend Christmas morning with, play outside with, argue with, etc.

I just wish there was something I could do! But, of course, there isn't. That is the bitch of infertility. It is beyond anyone's control.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

You just have to believe

Last night, Keegan was being a little stinker and wouldn't go to sleep. This is not the norm for him. I usually put him in his bed after a prayer and a song or two, then he is down for the count. But last night? I think he crawled out of his bed about 110 times. I'm not sure what was going on but after awhile of him doing this, I lost my temper. I was trying to clean up the living room, I had a bath running (for myself) and my own little agenda planned for the next hour or so before bed. I was looking forward to a little down time. So, I didn't appreciate the fact that Keegan was not going along with "the plan".

 

After one of his escapes, I put him in his bed, told him to stay there and I stormed off to my bedroom.  But once there, I felt all the tension seep out and I realized that he wasn't trying to be bad – there was obviously bothering him and maybe he just needed a little attention. After all, this was not a normal bedtime thing for him.

 

So, I went back to his hallway where he was sitting (defiantly) and scooped him up. I brought him in his room, started rocking him and talking to him softly. I happend to glance out between the gap in his curtains and saw a star so I started telling him about "Star light, star bright. First star I see tonight. I wish I may, I wish I might, have this wish I wish tonight". I tried to explain to him about wishes and how they were something you really wanted. He was so cute, staring up at me with his big brown eyes and listening intently.

 

As I was explaining wishes to him I realized that the last time I wished on a star, I was wishing for him. I remember TTC for all those months and wishing and WISHING for a baby on every star I would see. But in my wildest dreams, I couldn't imagine a better son than the one I was ultimately given. I told Keegan all this and let him know that wishes really do come true. You just have to believe.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

48 hour whirlwind

Monday I had to leave work early because my. head. hurt. SO. bad. At first I thought it was from the lack of caffeine (which I guess it could have been?) but it got really bad and turned into what I think was my first ever migraine. Holy shat – did that hurt!! To top it off, DH had gone up to the cabin for the night. He and his dad needed to do some work on the boat so that left me alone, with a migraine and a two year old. Not the best combination.

 

So, I left work early so I could go home and lie in the dark resting my head and pray that the headache eased up by 5:00pm when I had to go pick up Keegan. Luckily, I woke up at 4:40pm and while my head still hurt – it was a bit more bearable. I got some food and took Keegan to the park to eat. We hung out for awhile but by the time we were heading home again I was beginning to feel like there were ice picks slamming into my eye balls. I did the best I could and held out for another half hour or so (8:30pm by this time) and decided to put Keegan to bed and went to bed myself.  

 

Only to get woken up by the dog at 10:30, then 11:20, and finally at 12:30am when I finally put him in the garage to sleep. (This is a normal thing - he has a bed, food and water in there.) Finally…Keegan was asleep, I fell asleep and the dog was asleep. Or so I thought.

 

Keegan woke me up at about 7:30am (I love when he "sleeps in"!), I got him set up with a bowl of cereal and then I went to retrieve the dog from the garage. But...when I went in there I discovered that he wasn't sleeping after all. Nope. He was definitely not sleeping. More like dead. Yes, our poor dog died in his sleep.

 

So, here I am with the aftermath of a headache (just feeling achy and not "right"), alone with a toddler, a dead dog in the garage, no caffeine and pictures at 10am. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that I took the day off work because I was getting Keegan's pictures taken. AND DH had his cell turned off. Not a good way to start the day.

 

Somehow I managed to survive the day. I made a couple phone calls and talked to people who calmed me down from near hysterics. I somehow got both Keegan and I ready and headed out to pictures. I did my best to ignore the fact that our family pet was not alive in the garage and I called DH a million times until he finally answered and assured me that he would be home as soon as possible.

 

I can't even get into the specifics of Ted (our dog) and why he died and why I'm trying not to get too emotional about it. That deserves a post of it's own. Let's just say that he and I had a very strong love-hate relationship. But I did care and I am very sad to see him go. I'm just so glad that he went peacefully in his sleep.

 

So, DH finally made it home last night and I kept Keegan inside while DH buried Ted out in the field behind our house. It took him quite awhile as he was a 140 lb dog. When DH came in he and I talked about it, shed a few tears and tried to move on for the night. What else can you do? DH said he said a nice prayer for him out there and I think we may put some flowers on his grave tonight and say something nice again.

 

Today, I get into work ready to hit the ground running. After being here for about an hour by boss calls a meeting and announces that he has resigned. Wow. Big changes will be happening around here in the next month.

 

No caffeine yet (Day 4)  – and boy could I use some!! Who knows what will happen next???

Monday, May 14, 2007

Gearing up for battle

 

Today is my second day without ANY caffeine and I am DYING. It's not like a drank a ton of caffeine or anything. I mean, I know people who drink coffee all day or five or six diet cokes like it is no big thing. Me? I only drank one medium latte in the morning and then maybe one more diet coke sometime later in the day. But mostly, just that one latte. But...that yummy, hot, caffeine-filled latte was one of my favorite things about the day. It motivated me to get my butt to work, woke me up and filled up my tummy all at the same time. It was my own private, quiet start to the day.  Sniff, sniff.

But alas, it was not meant to be.  Caffeine = no baby. At least in my mind it does. After reading yet another study as well as another story about a fellow TTCer (and her doctor's opinion) about how even the littlest amount of caffeine can greatly hurt your chances of conceiving I quit. Cold turkey. Yesterday. But, I'm sure I'll survive. It's mostly a matter of getting over this headache that I've developed and then coming up with a new morning routine that makes me happy and doesn't involve me eating a donut or something fattening.

I also stocked up on some new and previous vitamins for DH on Friday. He is now taking Vitamin E with Selenium, L-Cartine, L-Arganine, Grape Seed Extract, Vitamin C, Zinc and a multi. (Please excuse any spelling errors as I don't have them in sight.) The poor guy! I think he was a little overwhelmed when I unloaded the bottles and set them out for him. He kept saying, "Are you sure?" but after I explained the reasoning he happily complied. Low morphology be damned! LOL.

Actually, I mentioned to DH that I had found a local male infertility specialist's website and he had a forum where he discussed some vitamin therepies for low morph and that is why I bought some new ones and added to the mix. DH's first reply was, "I am NOT infertile!!" I, of course, reassured him that he is not infertile (and I guess technicall he isn't because we did conceive once?) but we do have a little issue that would fall under a male infertility specialist's realm of expertise. Sigh. I guess DH is much more sensitive about the whole thing then he typically lets on. I jus wish he could understand that there are soooooo many people out there with this problem (and much worse) and it really is just a matter of "treating" it appropriately.

If it was up to me, we would most likely be talking IUI right now. Not from the start but now that we've hit the seven month mark, I want to DO something. DH is in no way heading in the IUI direction right now. Last time, it took him about 16 months to get him to that point and it would be the same or longer this time around. That, I know for sure. Therefore, I'm going the holistic approach. We're going to try vitamins (I'm also taking Vitamin B-6, 800mcg of Folic Acid and a prenatal) and eating better and organic when possible. I've also started running again (UGH) and I'm working at getting my body toned up and in a bit better physical condition. And we are both going to push water like crazy - flush out all the bad toxins!!

If anyone else has any good suggestions, I would love to hear it.

Today is CD 4 and I'm just waiting for AF to take a hike.

God, what I wouldn't give to have my latte right now.

Just trying to keep my head above water

I apologize for my sporadic blogging lately.  I've said it before but I really think I'm going through some weird inner struggles lately and it is just easier to be outside looking in. I need to quit that and jump back in with both feet. Seize the moment and all that crap.

 

I think much of it has to do with always feeling like I am in limbo. I remember going through this last time when we were TTC. It become easier and easier to distance yourself from your life because you don't want to make plans (or don't feel you can make plans) of any sort because you don't know when or if you'll be pregnant anytime soon. This is probably really hard to understand if you don't have trouble conceiving and/or if you've never had hyperemesis. We have all these plans coming up for the summer and it's frustrating not knowing if I'll be able to attend or if I'll be stuck in the bathroom throwing up.

And it is even more frustrating because I would truly and gladly take the weeks of puking my guts out in a heartbeat if it meant a healthy baby in my near future.

I don't even know what I'm babbling about. I guess one word sums it up....FRUSTRATED. Anyway, today is CD 28 so obviously I am just a big ball of PMS.

I've been really good this cycle too (believe it or not) because DH and I didn't really "TRY" or stress about it. We were in Florida like until like CD12 or so and then came home still in vacation mode and just kind of had sex at leisure when we got home. I truly didn't worry about it or constantly think about what day it was or what we were drinking, eating or if we took vitamins or not. I thought we deserved a break, especially since we were on vacation. And it was soooooo worth it. We had a wonderful getaway together and really reconnected. It was a short vacation but probably one of the best ones we went on because it was so relaxing and fun just to be together. I think we both were able to remember how much we loved and even liked hanging out together as a couple. We travel so well together and always have such a great time.

Ever since our trip, that attitude has continued. Not that we had any real issues before we left but after our trip I think we have both made a bit more effort to do the little things that make a big difference. Whether it is a hug, kiss, a smile or whatever. We're just doing really great and it is such a nice feeling.

We also had a brief but really good talk when we were away about TTC. DH wants me to give him my cycle calendar (he's a planner) and he said he'd do whatever it takes - give up whatever, take whatever vitamins, eat whatever - because he wants this next baby as much as I do. He said that sometime he has no idea what is going on with me cycle-wise (and that is truly my fault because I try to protect him so as not to put additional stress on him to "perform" so to speak). So, this next cycle I am going to do my best to be open with him and see if we can make this work as a team.

I am also going to start a new plan as of Sunday (I always need a start date). I'm gong to work towards a healthier lifestyle - giving up caffeine (for real this time), eating better, and I'm going to attempt to start running again on a regular basis.

So, that's what is going on with me. I really need to do some updating about other things including Keegan and how much he is growing!!! God, I love that kid.

I sound like such a basketcase but hey, I think that's what 24 cycles of TTC (collectively) will do to a girl.

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